The Anti-Wedding

How to really have a meaningful and connected experience to set the tone for your life ahead.

My purpose now? Building the Othership.

Growing a brand, an experience, a movement - for self-growth and transformation. Why?  To get as deep as we can into our own meaning and to build belonging for ourselves and others.  Othership  - a house of transformation.  

Before this? I worked on growth at the Ethereum Foundation.

*If you know somebody that’s planning a wedding, share this with them as a bit of help!

What is the purpose of your wedding

“I once visited a teahouse in Kyoto, Japan, where I participated in a traditional Japanese tea ceremony. The tea master told me of a phrase the sixteenth-century Japanese tea master Sen no Rikyu taught his students:

“Ichi-go, ichi-e”: one meeting, one moment in your life that will never happen again.

The tea master told me, we could meet again, but we need to praise this moment because in one year, we’ll have a new experience, we will be different people and will be bringing new experiences with us because we are also changed.” Each gathering is Ichi-go, ichi-e.”¹

Many of our gatherings have been repeated so many times, we have become attached to the format of “what it should be” even though it no longer reflects the purpose of the gathering.

The standard wedding format: single evening, banquet hall, lots of alcohol, top 40 DJ, and a 3 minute chat with the bride and groom. This format makes it difficult to deliver emotional connection. 

I design peak experiences that put groups into a state to dream, transform, envision, trust and connect around a larger purpose and I wondered if we could apply some of those learnings to create an alternative wedding format.

The best gatherings have a bold sharp purpose.  To find your purpose, start with a simple list of “why you’re hosting the event”:

• Is it for you, or your guests, or your family?

• What would make this the best day of your life? Fun, connection, honoring tradition, beautiful aesthetic?

• Who matters, who do you feel emotionally connected to and how do you want them to feel afterwards?

For each “why”, assess why that matters. Our purpose was to create a wedding that would:

• Inspire all guests attending to feel emotionally connected

• Be a day for US

• Foster an environment of fun

People feel more loneliness and isolation than ever before, it’s an epidemic. Through connection, we find belonging. As traditional religions struggle to meet the needs of younger generations, we wanted to guide our community to connect with their emotions, especially within their own relationships to feel more belonging.

Making the wedding a day for us means we could be present with each other. If we could be more fully immersed in the experience, there would be more vivid memories that we could draw in the future.

We wanted to create a fun environment to honor our guests’ time, one of their most precious resources. Having fun together fosters connection and considering the last 18 months of Covid, people want togetherness and belonging.

While a wedding won’t “change lives”, you definitely have an opportunity for your’s to be a source of growth, support, guidance, and inspiration if you prioritize a sharp purpose.

Your “whys” act as decision filters. It’s clear this wedding is different than “an honoring of tradition”. Our choices below are unique to what we wanted, but brainstorming your gathering’s purpose is a great starting point.

how to increase emotional connection

We went against tradition — smaller, more intimate, multiple days, exercises that took a stand and unsettled some of the guests. Our style aroused a lot of passion in our guests because they felt inspired to see themselves in a world with deeper connection. The more narrowly you frame an event, the more you can deliver on that purpose effectively.

At first, we were going to elope. However, two conversations completely changed my mind:

• My sister said “you’re going to regret being there without your closest friends. This could be a day you look back on your entire life. It should be fun”.

• A trusted friend Steve said, “there is something special about saying your vows witnessed by a group of close friends pledging their support to your relationship”

Both those quotes stuck with me, so we decided on a small group of friends (our wedding was on Monday night, and was remote so it was tough for friends with kids to come).

In thinking about your guest list, I’m including a paragraph that resonated from The Art of Gathering: “Gatherings are often jacked in the name of politeness. In trying not to offend, you fail to protect the gathering itself and the people in it. Who helps fulfill the gathering’s purpose, who threatens the purpose, and who despite being irrelevant to the purpose, do you feel obliged to invite?”

People who aren’t fulfilling the purpose of your gathering are detracting from it, even if they do nothing to detract from it. This is because once they are actually in your presence, you will welcome and include them, which takes time and attention away from what (and who) you’re actually there for. Every single person affects the dynamics of a group. Excluding well and purposefully is reframing who and what you are being generous to - you, your guests and your purpose.

It’s difficult to create emotional connection in a single evening with a large group of people.    There is something special about experiencing many different locations as a unit.  The more locations, the greater the perceived trust. Over a longer period, people settle into a rhythm, forget about their daily lives and become more vulnerable.

We also prioritized friends some select friends we knew would be willing to feel vulnerable with their emotions to set the tone. A passionate smaller group can often dynamically shift the entire group towards an outcome.

connecting the group beforehand

We hosted a murder mystery party in a mansion from the 1800’s. Each person was assigned a character in advance along with a script of talking points. The game encourages getting to know each other in a low stakes way that removes awkwardness and helps more introverted people connect.

A few things to make the murder mystery fun:

• Stayed away from alcohol. Alcohol blunts the ability to feel emotions, makes it hard to connect to memories and creates negative physical feelings the next day. We had sparkling wine and a few cocktails available, but the activities were not geared around getting “wasted”.  Instead, we provided healthier compounds:

  • Mushroom microdose pills (0.25mg) of a specific strain called Blue Meanie known to increase social connection. Perfect for a murder mystery

  • Kratom - kratom is a plant that provides a gentle feeling of relaxation to help with social anxiety. We made a brew with ginger beer, maple syrup, lemon, ice and mint that was on tap at the bar.

• Invited a magician. He did street tricks all evening and then a stage show midway through the murder mystery. Magic and a sense of wonder makes people “feel like a kid” again. He was totally amazing!

• Midway through the murder mystery, the magician shot a gun and one of the guests was “murdered” elsewhere in the house. All the lights went out and the party gathered around the dead body with candles and screams. We made a big scene around the murder.

• Assign friends who are really outgoing as main characters — when a few people go get weird, it makes everybody else feel comfortable getting out of their shell.

• Encourage people offline to go all out with the costumes and acting. Give prizes for most outrageous costumes and best actors based on voting!

The experience is a bit awkward at first, but doing things that feel a bit uncomfortable together bond the group. A bit of social anxiety initially creates a unique feeling that becomes more memorable (Tony Robbins and Landmark development courses operate this way). It’s really amazing to watch the social anxiety fade into euphoria and excitement and works every time.

the wedding

getting ready

Friends told me to “grab 15 minutes alone with Emily, to really try and remember the day together”.  This seemed obvious… Instead, we wanted the entire wedding to be for “us”.

We prioritized ease and convenience. We had no bridal party and got ready together in the same house. The wedding was at 4pm, so we slept in and enjoyed the morning cuddling in bed. It was 100% stress free with our time focused on each other.

I wasn’t expecting the wedding to be super emotional. I had the sense it would be fun, but wasn’t sure there was a difference between being engaged and married, so I was blown away by the heart-opening I felt that morning thinking through the arc of our relationship. I was SO GRATEFUL to just have that time together to bask in those feelings. Deep happiness and contentment is rare, so having space to really note what that felt like was wonderful.

A few others small details that helped: We booked a few airbnbs for groups of friends in advance, made a whatsapp group for people to self organize (ie. accommodations, rides, venue etc.) and skipped invitations. We just sent out text invites to the whatsapp group. Personally, I find as a society we’ve grown beyond formalities. If things are easy, it’s more likely everybody’s day will also be better.

the venue

It’s super important the venue is congruent with the purpose. For us, 100 Acre Woods was absolutely perfect. Some interesting small details that created emotional connection:

• The setting was an outdoor farm, barn and canopy owned by this cute family. There was a direct connection to nature and the ceremony was outside and casual.

• Dinner was outdoors under the open canopy with a beautiful breeze.

• The food was sharing plates to encourage connection. The owners were professional chefs and and owned a restaurant in Toronto we loved, so it was epic (vs. traditional banquet style food for 200)

• The tables were quite thin so you were very close to the person across from you

• We had strong scents which help to deepen emotion / memory - the reception was in a brand new barn new with an incredible cedar smell

• The whole environment felt quaint, intimate, social, romantic — a bubble where it was okay to be vulnerable and connect with your emotions

create grounding moments

Grounding moments create focus on bodily sensations in the moment resulting in memories that remain more “vivid” over time.  They can also help shift your audience into a more receptive emotional state.

• Ring Blessing: During the ceremony, the rings were passed from person to person in a small dish. As each person held the dish, they were asked to feel into a moment they felt loved in the past and use that feeling to make a wish for us. 

• Darlene, my mother in-law, guided everybody through a mini-breathwork encouraging people to close their eyes, feel their feet on the ground, the wind in the air and other elements that would allow them to remember that very moment, to leave the stress of getting there and getting ready behind so everyone could be present. You can hear some of these words in the video above!

the officiant

Find an officant that has a connection to you and your group or get a friend to get their license and say something special. Luckily, my Mother-in-law is a minister. She guided the breathwork grounding moment above along with a heartfelt speech and a group blessing for us which everybody repeated. Having somebody that you know cares about you makes a difference.

speeches

Set the tone for your speeches! Emily and I spoke first (pre-dinner). During most weddings, the crowd is quite large, people are nervous to speak, and there can be a dynamic where the “MC”, “best man”, and “maid of honour” poke fun at the bride and groom. Personally, that didn’t fit with our values and always struck me as being about validation for the speaker vs. finding connection.

We started with a mini breathwork session where each person was instructed to hold hands with their partner or the person beside them, to gaze into each others eyes for a few moments (noting that it might be a bit awkward), then close their eyes and remember a time they supported their partner, when they gave them the most love, and a time when they needed support and received the most love. Grounding an emotion in the body helps people open.

We were very vulnerable. You can hear small parts in the wedding video, but some minor points below:

• Emily: “Robbie has a saying that he “waters me with love” and like a plant needs water to grow and flourish, humans need a foundation of love and support to thrive and become their most authentic selves, and for me that’s what Robbie provides.”

• Robbie: I spoke about the transformation I had experienced as a result of Emily’s unwavering support - how committing to our connection created a powerful vessel that helped me find self-love.

A relationship is an entity that exists independently from each person. I didn’t have a lot of self love when we met, but I could feel the way Emily cared for me, it was this feeling of light and goodness. As our relationship became stronger and stronger, my commitment to it made me feel like a better person.  If I could be good for this person, I felt I was worthy of love. Our relationship reworked my self-perception and my life has flourished since. This realization was deeply emotional for me during my speech, especially noting it in front of my supporters and friends. It really helped to let go of any past judgements. 

Opening up with vulnerability, especially as a man, is very powerful. It sets the tone that its okay to love, to cry, to be seen and the rest of the speeches followed suit. In an intimate group and setting, the words took on more power. I noticed new Dad’s crying when Emily’s father spoke, imagining what it would be like when their daughters were married. Watching our 90 year old grandmothers crying felt extra special also.

After dinner, we met in the barn to do “popcorn” speeches. We told guests in advance that we’d like them all to share a story about what love means to them, our relationship or a piece of advice for married life. Everybody gathered in comfortable positions on the ground, shoes off, eating snack sized poutine. 

When people speak in front of a group, they often feel nervous, but afterwards they feel more connected to the event, their own emotions, and the relationship with the bride and groom. Giving people the opportunity to conquer their fears creates a stronger bond to an event and the group.  The speeches were far more engaging, connecting and fun than a traditional “dance party”.

symbols

Symbols help to empower memories and give you the ability to time travel back to past emotions. The sauna is a powerful symbol for our relationship. We went to our first bathhouse together on our 2nd date, we built a business around the sauna and we sauna together 3x per week. So I eventually proposed in the sauna, hiding the ring in a ball of ice that melted in Emily’s hand while she was giving me a massage. The proposal empowered all our future experiences in the sauna and is now connected to powerful emotions (which we can experience weekly for the rest of our life).

We also have a song we’ve shared while guiding dozens of psychedelic medicine events together. I was wondering if we could do something to imbue more meaning in the song.

Both Emily’s sister Claire and my cofounder Harry are epic musicians, so they played the song live for our first dance. We danced barefoot in an open field, surrounded by friends in a tight circle lit with sparklers (check out video above). Now whenever I hear that song, I have both that memory and emotion embedded in my body. We encouraged each couple to take off their shoes, feel the ground beneath their feet, and join in the dance, guiding them to again ground into their emotions.

Other ideas for symbols:

• The rings: We empowered them with the mentioned blessings. When I look at my ring, I remember that moment and feeling

• Our photographer had us go out into a field and feel into our bodies while posing. We were asked to associate our exact bodily feelings to that moment. When we look back at those specific photos, we can better connect with that memory.

• Wedding Video - a friend of mine is a movie maker and he was created the masterpiece above weaving in speeches, our song and a lot of emotion.

• My cofounders Harry and Amanda surprised us with a song, which they sang during the popcorn speeches. They made it into a singalong — again making people feel a little bit uncomfortable, but helping them break through their anxiety to feel connection with the group. The song was a complete surprise illustrating that when you create a container with a clear purpose, magic and serendipity will happen on their own. You can hear the song at the end of the video above!

A few fun details

• We called our wedding the “Love Fest” and made it clear it was a celebration of love

• Instead of a traditional DJ or band, we had a friend make a playlist with some minimal and tribal vibes perfect for socializing.

• We brought games (croquette, bocce, ladder ball) and encouraged playfulness and conversation

the after party

The benefit of a destination wedding is that everybody is on vacation, so people are down to stay up late and continue the festivities. We had an after party at an airbnb with a massive field in the backyard, a 16 person hot tub and large bonfire pit.  *More locations together = more feelings of trust and connection.

• Getting a group around a fire is amazing for creating feelings of magic. My friend Mel Habibian is a musician and she sang us a custom song on her ukulele. Prioritizing friendships with creatives and unique individuals has lead to a lot of richness in our lives. Think about including people that can add to the dynamic for all.

• Many of our friends were not used to group emotional exercises and these activites can feel a bit “weird”.  So having a contingent that can pull the rest of the group along leads to a beautiful and unique ride! Some cool group experiences we worked with:

  • The Cinnamon Roll: Everybody joins hands in a circle and moves inward to end up in a massive ultra tight group hug (think of the bodies making a cinnamon roll shape). And then you unwind still holding hands

  • Vocal Toning: Everybody gathers in a circle and does guided vocal toning (Om’s and high and low notes) with heads touching. It’s incredible to hear the different tones and vibrations through your bodies. You really feel connected to the group, plus it’s great for the parasympathetic nervous system.

  • Compliment Cupid - one person starts with a compliment to somebody else in the circle. That person repays the compliment to somebody else until everybody has gone. This teaches listening, supporting others, and feeling self love. Our friend Matt P made this one up in the spot in the hot tub - another example of serendipity.

deepening the connection

We packed the final two days with a mixture of beautiful natural environments and activities but also some time to rest. If you’re organizing a destination wedding or event, keep in mind to leave some space. Leave some time for sleeping-in and some evenings for early bedtime.

We rented a large bus and went on an all day vineyard tour visiting a cider vineyard and farm, a famous chef’s fry stand, a speakeasy and then had a sunset dinner on a beautiful outdoor terrace with a wood fired pizza oven. Meals are fantastic for creating community. Each stop encourages new social pairings so everybody gets time to connect with everybody else. Being outdoors has some magic as well — Connecting with nature doesn’t happen often in the modern environment and it amplifies a nervous system shift into the “rest and digest” mode, where we’re able to better connect to feelings of meaning.

We spent our last day at a friends cottage neighbouring Sandbanks beach with an epic outdoor sauna overlooking the lake. We staffed the event with a bartender that made non-alcoholic cocktails and a tarot reader, which was a lot of fun. A nice long lazy day was a great way for people to unwind and reset before going home. It’s nice to leave feeling refreshed vs. hungover. Post an incredible sunset, our friends Steve and Austin put together a powerful surprise they called a “love ceremony”, which was one of the most emotional and memorable moments of my life.

They reached out to everybody in the whatsapp group a week in advance and had them record voice notes about our relationship, which they then made into a song. That evening, they made of wreath of flowers surrounded by candles and a fire and had Emily and myself sit in the middle.  They guided the group through some breathing exercises, played the song and encouraged us to hug, eyegaze and breath together.

It was extremely powerful to hear from those closest to us —what was powerful and inspiring about our relationship. We both cried, feeling the love from our community. At the end of the song, we stood, and the group circled in a giant hug combining both physical touch and kind words. Steve noted, “Whenever we’d need love, it was there and we had this group as witness to provide support”.

It’s uncommon to get support for your relationship from a group of your friends and it feels awkward to declare your love publically. At some points during the ceremony, I felt like everybody was watching us, but there was a feeling there that I wasn’t expecting — prior to that moment, I wasn’t really aware that we could ask our friends for help, that they cared about our relationship and would be there for support. The feeling of being connected closely is one that modern life has made more difficult, so it felt very special.

It wasn’t just us, the group felt something as well. My friend Matt mentioned that he hadn’t cried in years and watching us together, eyegazing, he felt a physical wave, opening his heart and inspiring his own relationship. This was exactly one of the core purposes of what we were trying to do!

Like the grounding moments or symbols above, we now also have this “Love Letter” that we can listen to — whenever needed. Symbols and grounding, really help with your ability to traverse your emotions and add wonder to your life.

take-aways

Our wedding was an epic experience for us. We got lost in our relationship and created very strong and visceral memories. We have many symbols that can bring us back to those feelings as well.

The wedding was quite affordable. We spent $40K including the wedding, accommodations, food, the events and got a week of memories in return.

Our friends felt connected, and got to partake in their own love. Each person reached out to say they were unexpected by how deeply they felt connected to their emotions and their partners.

Darlene Hunter (Emily’s Mom):

“The moment you opened your heart in your speech to Emily - we all fell in love with you. Nanny turned to me after your speech with tears in her eyes and said, “He’s a really good guy and he really really loves Emily.” Nan, Emily’s 94 year old grandma told us on the way home that it was the best three days of her life. Even your new Dad was authentically emotionally present, something not so easily done by his generation.”

closing request

An alternative wedding needs an alternative close! Instead of “Thank You” letters, to finalize the week, I’d like to ask each guest to share in the comments — a moment you found memorable, a moment you connected with your emotions, a moment you had a realization about what love means to you!

a final quick story about “meaning” and symbols

I love sound bowls. We use them in our sauna and ice bath classes and also while facilitating breathwork. They have a knack for instantly shifting the nervous system into a state of peace. A few summers ago, Emily and I spent a day at a remote cabin, sitting on the dock playing the same sound bowl for hours. A few hours in, we spontaneously burst into song both humming the exact note of the bowl. We don’t sing, so it was unique to feel like we had discovered a note together. When you sing a note at the same pitch and find resonance with the bowl, you can actually for a split second feel a connection point with the vibration of both the bowl and the people singing the note - it’s a physical sensation. It felt like we had deepened our relationship via that note.

I have a technical background, and am not necessarily a “woo” person, but it felt like a new way to connect in that we’d never made that sound before and we were communicating on the exact same frequency. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, while I was facilitating an ice bath, the bowl exploded and shattered everywhere. Upon returning from a trip a few months later, Emily had saved all the shards and made it into an art piece that she had hung in our bedroom because she knew that bowl and that moment meant a lot to me.

I’d told this story to my sister, and I guess it made an imprint. For our wedding present, she surprised us with a beautiful pink morganite singing bowl. She improvised a gifting session around the fire during one of the evenings, where each person wrote out a wish for us and put it in the bowl. We then passed the bowl around as each person played it, powering up the wishes! Finally, we burned all the papers together in the fire. This was a really fun way to embody a positive emotion — any activity that consciously generates feelings of gratitude, love or compassion is fantastic for creating meaning. This realization has been so powerful it’s driven us to build Othership, classes to help people feel emotions!

If you take anything away from this article, I’d highly encourage you to think of how to empower your gatherings with purpose. The simplest things and smallest details can create ways for your community to tap into their own inner meaning.

1. The Art of Gathering